home again home again.

i went home this past weekend for some r & r and some raging. most of my closest friends live in new york/new york city, so it was so wonderful to see them as well as spend a little bit of time at home. i wanted to dig through some of my stuff to see what i could bring back to furnish my house in dc – the answer? not that much stuff, but important stuff. why hello, dvd player! 

going home is nice, but it’s also labor intensive. it’s difficult to balance spending time with family, friends, family friends, and hopping between new york city and the town i grew up in about 20 miles north. add all that to family tensions (erryone’s got’em!), and home can be, well, anxiety inducing. 

things that are amazing about being home, besides my doggie and the not being at work aspect — amazing kitchen appliances. 

a le creuset! and an always clean stove!

 

 the beautiful outdoors.  

my backyard.

  

 brunch in the screened in porch with three of the best nytimes sections. 

there is so much i love in this picture.

 1 egg, 2 whites, zucchini, onion and a laughing cow. fruit salad with grapes and blackberries. lemon water. phone call with my brother. dog at my feet. 

quality sushi eaten while watching house.  

i wish my house were furnished by my mom.

my mother had to be somewhere friday night (the one night i was home), so she bought me dinner 0 this was miso soup, seaweed salad (had about half), a yellow tail scallion roll, a teka maki roll, and a california roll with a seaweed outside (too much rice for me otherwise). just what i wanted. i love relaxing. 

 other wonderful things about home are the manicure and pedicure i got with a best friend from high school, the iced coffee we picked up from a beautiful french cheese shop/cafe, the beer i got at a local bar with my high school friends. 

i spent the rest of the weekend in the city with my high school/college friends – i’m very blessed that they are all friends, so i can see everyone in one shot. i went to a loft party in brooklyn and then to a bar on the lower east side. it was lovely wonderful funny brilliant to spend the weekend with my closest friends – though a few were missing, hi dana! – and while it was awesome, i just felt very suppressed the whole time. 

being home (as in my house)  is supposed to be calming, a place where all is fixed, but for me it is one big ball of anxiety. i feel inadequate, like i’m outside of myself somehow. it’s like i can envision all of the things that will make me better, make me happier, make me satisfied with who i am. it’s almost as if i’m viewing the life i want for myself behind a bulletproof window – it’s right there in front of me, but i can’t get to it. 

i was glad to come back to dc. 

i want to be effortlessly happy, but part of me is thinking that “effortlessly happy” is a bit of a myth, no? 

i gotta get myself out of this mindset. so much easier said than done.  what are your tricks for lifting yourself up, without the help of other people? i need a way to do this for myself. 

DEBBIE DOWNER POST, sorry. be back to normal soon, i hope!

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2 responses to “home again home again.

  1. I’m sorry going home is rough for you- I get anxious around my mom, which can make being home stressful too. This sounds kind of cliche, but going to church on a regular basis makes me feel not so alone, and like I can be happy by myself. Finding faith in something- no matter what religion or belief- can really do wonders for your mental health :)

  2. Hm, well I find animals can lift the mood, especially horses and kitties :-) Hope your spirits get soaring soon!

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